PELHAM, N.H. — Local husband and father of two Randy Carlisle regularly misplaces his reading glasses, inhibiting his ability to view pornography clearly, sources confirm.

“I waste a lot of precious time looking for my glasses while my wife and kids are out of the house,” said Carlisle. “I get very few opportunities to have alone time, so I’m pretty devastated when I can’t find my readers. Usually I wind up running out of time and just watching blurry blobs gyrating while listening to the audio. It’s not an ideal situation, but it gets the job done. I should probably order a dozen pairs of reading glasses on Amazon and keep them in strategic places because this seems to happen pretty often. Better throw in a few more bottles of Jergens to be covered on that front as well.”

Carlisle’s wife says she hides his glasses on purpose.

“I know what sick shit that pervert gets up to when I’m out. Apparently after decades of using the internet he still doesn’t know how to clear his browser history,” said Andrea Carlisle. “In the past few years he’s been too ‘tired’ or too busy playing PS5 to have sex with me, so I do my best to ruin his little goon sessions. Sometimes I’ll hide his glasses to fuck with him a little bit. I’ve got some other techniques I use to frustrate his efforts as well, such as adding a little sand to the bottle of Jergens he keeps in the bathroom closet. Lately I’ve been putting in a few drops of ghost pepper oil as well.”

Scientists at Neuralink have good news for pornography enthusiasts with poor vision.

“In a few years, people won’t even need eyes to consume porn,” explained researcher Ian Coxon. “With Neuralink’s brain-computer interface implant, the smut will bypass traditional input organs like eyes and ears and will be transmitted directly into the subject’s sensory cortex, enabling an unprecedented level of immersion. Our chimp test subjects have taken to it so enthusiastically that they’ll often forgo food and sleep to prolong their ‘gooning.’ Several have actually died of dehydration, which we could prevent in human users with an IV drip.”

At press time, Mr. Carlisle had driven himself to urgent care after inexplicable burns appeared on his sensitive areas after “moisturizing” with Jergens lotion.

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COLD SPRING HARBOR, N.Y. — Nassau Coaches Invitational took place this weekend, at which a new national record had been set in the backwards long jump event.

The gold medal in this event was won by Plainview junior and 16-year old, Ava Monterero, who had launched herself in reverse, northeast across the Long Island Sound, eventually landing in New Haven, Connecticut.

“Since she was very young, she’s had her eyes set on greatness. From just four years old, she had already learned to clip through walls. Now she’s an athlete with a national record and every reporter wants to hear from her! And they will in due time,” said Monterero’s mother while polishing the gold medal around her comatose daughter’s neck. “We’re so very proud.”

Monterero’s impressive new national record still falls short of the current world record held by a Japanese middle school student. Though, that figure is contested as the jump is still ongoing.

In 2024, 13-year-old Yamakawa Noboru, during tryouts for his school’s track & field team, had backwards long jumped into low orbit. NASA scientists estimate his journey around the earth will continue for another four years, three months, and eight days—completing one full revolution every 84 minutes (approximately 17 times per day).

On Monday, July 14th, 2030, Yamakawa’s frozen corpse will catch up to and collide with the International Space Station, at which point the record books will officially be able to award his 997,693,204-mile jump.

The post High School Athlete Sets New National Record in Backwards Long Jump appeared first on Palette Swap.

Cat Me If You Can is an absolute treat. I’m tempted to leave it at that so you can have the joy of discovering it while you play. And you will be able to play soon, as the game’s demo is going up April 8. So, mark your calendars for next week and read on if you want a little more to go on than my enthusiasm.

How to adequately capture the warm-hug-in-your-soul feel of this game? Just imagine this. The world is solely populated by cats — even you. It’s a black and white world, which is striking to behold in and of itself. Your task is to seek out and photograph all the cats lazily lounging throughout each level in order to restore color to the landscape.

When you do? The cats pop into a technicolor dream-made-reality. Just don’t get tangled in your thoughts wondering how a cat uses a camera with no opposable thumbs and you’ll be golden.

Everything about the game was built to be welcoming. The lo-fi beats are immaculate. The cyberpunky quest board hints at the title’s unique personality. There’s a wonderfully integrated hint system to help you find your current objective. And the world is brimming with creative and charming puzzles.

It seems like the team is aiming to release Cat Me If You Can sometime around summer. So, if the demo captured you the way it has me, be sure to keep an eye out as the weather heats up.

KYOTO — Continuing with their variable pricing model, Nintendo announced that upcoming 80 dollar video games can be purchased through a family plan that lets multiple users share one copy of the game.

“Similar to Nintendo Switch Online, we are now offering a plan that allows up to eight users to own a portion of a game,” stated Shuntaro Furukawa, Nintendo President. “Say you want to play the new Mario Kart, but you don’t have 80 bucks of disposable income just lying around. Chances are, you and your other broke friends are in the exact same boat. Now you can go in on a digital copy of the game together. That’s potentially only 10 bucks for the new Mario Kart that you can play so long as no one else is using it. If you just block out some hours and routinely coordinate your schedules, it’s not that bad, really.”

Fan response was divisive, but many were just glad to have a chance to play some of a game they wouldn’t be able to afford at all before.

“It’s actually kind of forward thinking when you consider how bad everything is these days,” Nintendo fan Martin Felshman explained in a Reddit post. “When you can’t afford your own apartment anymore, what do you do? That’s right, you get roommates. It’s the same philosophy, just applied to smaller purchases. Do the games need to be 80 dollars? No, not necessarily. But I’m not going to be playing it for 24 hours a day anyway. I can wait to use it, just like how I’m content waiting for my roommate to finish using our toothbrush.”

Others were not so pleased with the news.

“It feels like companies don’t want us to own anything anymore,” read a response in the same contentious Reddit thread. “To me it feels like the obvious solution is to not price out your audience, but this workaround is just sloppy. I could barely justify $60 for a video game when groceries started going up in price, so the jump to $80 is just absurd, and I don’t want to have to share a copy with my buddies from college. I don’t know. Maybe my Kalshi bets will turn everything around this month.”

At press time, Nintendo added an addendum to their public statement saying that if anyone is found sharing their copy of the game with someone who didn’t pitch in for it, they’re legally allowed to brick your system.

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