NEW YORK — A third-grader at P.S. 151 Mary D. Carter in Queens had an unusual excuse for why they hadn’t uploaded their weekend Language Arts homework after heavy snow shifted New York City public schools’ Jan. 26 classes to remote learning.
“My Digimon ate it!” Tatum Bellucci-Barton, 9, reportedly told their teacher. “I scanned the worksheet like you said, but then Elecmon popped up on the computer screen and chewed it up!” When asked for the physical worksheet, Bellucci-Barton explained, “Elecmon liked the file so much that he jumped out of the computer to eat the real sheet, but I guess paper doesn’t taste as good as data, so he spit it out and zapped it into dust.”
Digimon, or “digital monsters,” are the titular focus of a media franchise that originated in Japan with a line of virtual pets in 1997. Bellucci-Barton’s teacher, Daisy Asaji, 34, a fan of the franchise herself, was surprised to hear it be referenced by someone so young.
“There’s a fascinating irony to coming up with such an elaborate story to get out of diagramming five sentences,” Asaji mused. “But the thing that really gets me is, Digimon was already Pokémon’s Hydrox at its peak—now they barely do anime dubs. How does an American nine-year-old even know what a Digimon is to tell this lie? Did that unnecessary Adventure reboot really hit with Gen Alphas?”
Steve Bellucci, 38, Bellucci-Barton’s father and a cybersecurity consultant, says neither Digimon nor dishonesty were things his child would’ve learned about at home.
“All the tech-for-its-own-sake integrations we’ve seen in American education, not to mention the encroachment of so-called ‘A.I.’ into every aspect of our digital lives, and we’re surprised a kid constantly exposed to that is aware of Digimon?” scoffed Bellucci via video call from his home office while subtly nudging a Digimon Story Time Stranger Collector’s Edition Jupitermon figurine out of frame. “Seems to me like this call might be coming from inside the schoolhouse.”
At press time, authorities have received multiple reports of a “rotting blob monster” by Newtown Creek and an “angel with a bo staff” in Calvary Cemetery.
CLEVELAND — When asked if there was anything he would change about his 94-year-long life, a man with mere days left to live revealed that he harbored just one regret.
“I wish I had spent more time memorizing boss battle attack patterns,” said Victor Lemort, surrounded by grieving loved ones. “Money, power, happiness, love? Those are all fleeting. That feeling when you run back into a boss battle that felt impossible at first, but this time you only take two or three hits because you put a bunch of effort into remembering the attacks the boss does and planned around them? Now that’s time well spent.”
Lemort was an active gamer until he contracted his terminal illness. Nevertheless, death’s imminence left him wishing he had played even more video games with bosses you have to fight over and over again until you can recognize the five or six different things they can do.
“Back in the day I was a Mega Manguy. In my later years I played all the Dark Souls. Sometimes I’d have to fight a boss 20 or 30 times, spending hours studying their attack patterns, before I stood a chance. Now that was living,” Lemort said, as his granddaughter left his hospital room in a flurry of tears. “Sometimes I’d get to the boss room and die to its first couple attacks. Then the game would reload and I’d have to run back to the boss, having gained nothing. I probably spent hours of my life just reloading and running back to boss fights. Looking back, I wish I had gotten to do that even more. Were kids really the right choice for me?”
One of Lemort’s nurses was touched by his words and committed to spending more time memorizing boss attack patterns herself.
“I used to think Lies of P looked a little derivative of games I’d already played. It seemed like there were probably better ways to spend my time,” she said. “Now I know the hours and hours it will take to memorize the different ways the guys I have to fight slash their swords is what makes life worth living.”
At press time, Lemort had reportedly passed. According to those present, he used his last words to share that he also wished he had spent more time reading JRPG dialogue and completing various fetch quests in open-world games.
Mewgenics was never on my radar. I didn’t follow Edmund McMillen’s past work, and I haven’t gotten into The Binding of Isaac. But, if you show me something that:
Has tiles
Is a roguelike
I’m probably going to like it! So, after hearing it was a “tactical RPG roguelike,” I was paying attention.
After playing it for 58 hours, Mewgenics frustrated me a ton. Mistakes are heavily punished, and carry heavy consequences. And with over 200 hours of main campaign content, it will be a while before I see the end. Yet, it’s a wholly unique experience, and as I write I want nothing more than to jump back in and play it right now.
Tactical Tiles
The moment-to-moment gameplay of Mewgenics is a tactical RPG. The battlefields themselves are quite small-scale, but the damage numbers and scaling feel at home with a proper tactics RPG. Think the arena of Into the Breach with the damage numbers and class system of Fire Emblem.
Speaking of which, the mixing and matching of classes is one of the most fun parts of the gameplay. Every class has a different style of basic attack, and a different pool of abilities to pull from. You start with the basic attack, one active ability, and one passive ability, and draft the rest of the abilities as your cats level up.
The name of the game here is combos. There are no end-all be-all abilities that will make everything easy, or that you’ll want to take 100% of the time. In every great roguelike, the answer to every question is “it depends.” I’m happy to report Mewgenics follows in the footsteps of those greats.
As you navigate a run, you’ll go to different combat arenas, shops, and events. These events often come with choices: do you sacrifice half your HP for an unknown benefit? Do you try to pass this skill check, despite there being literal stink lines coming off your cat’s stats? It’s tough to know, and the wrong choice can doom your whole run, or worse.
Roguelike… Roguelite… Rogue-ish?
I’ll give you one guess on how you beat this guy.
The progression of Mewgenics is hard to describe. Send cats on tactical adventures that almost always yield some forward momentum. Unlock new locations, classes, and items. This is happening constantly. But, you will undoubtedly return to the same locations across multiple runs, using those new classes and items to complete quests and learn new things.
After those runs, though, Mewgenics’s hook really begins. Not only can you keep items in storage, but your cats will breed to help create your next run’s chosen ones. You’ll also need to find food and money along the way to help keep the next generation full and focused.
I was never much of a Chao Garden guy, so it surprised me how invested I was in the breeding aspects. It was fun to see what little monsters my kitty crew would create — and what random names they would get.1 It was a little awkward playing on the Steam Deck and knowing the guy next to me on the plane was watching these cats get it on, but I’m sure he would’ve understood if I told him “it was for stats.”2
Something that struck me most about this strange hybrid structure was the way it makes each run feel so consequential. When I’m playing Slay the Spire, for instance, I live my life a quarter mile at a time, almost always choosing the riskier, higher-payoff option. I either win this run or I start over, so who cares?
In Mewgenics, I was a lot more calculated. I need to get these guys home safe, because I need them to defend the house. I want them to pass on a strong ability, stat, or mutation. This cat is named “Little Man,” and that’s fucking awesome. If something were to happen to him, I’d end it all. Whatever the reason, I almost always felt a strong attachment to my cat squadron, and felt like I was calculating risk in a much different way than other roguelites.
Eternal Life
Above, you’ll see my save file. You’ll notice that aforementioned 58 hours, along with a number that may terrify you: 38% complete. I cannot believe those numbers are staring at me right now. If you are like me3, that combination of numbers might terrify you, too. But Mewgenics makes the most of every hour.
Sure, there’s a ton to see. But even without unlocking everything, there’s plenty of times you could call it quits. There’s no rush to get to the end. There’s no cutscenes with key exposition you forget if you set it down for a few months. Take your time! Hop in for a run or two every week! Maybe spend a couple hours at a time managing your cats in the house to breed your perfect soldiers with dragon wings and ADHD!
As with any roguelike, there’s bound to be plenty of repetition during this long runtime. Luckily, it’s got an incredible soundtrack to keep you humming along to. Seriously, these songs are catchy. In a genre where I usually put in earbuds with a podcast, I was turning up the volume on the Steam Deck and humming along.
Mewgenics is abrasive. There’s a ton of mechanics and combinations for both the players and enemies, losing always has permanent consequences, and it feels like the mountaintop is still so far, despite the time I’ve put in. There will be some people who just don’t click with this game.
Luckily, I’m not “some people,” and I think it’s fantastic. Let’s go 150 more hours till that file says 100%, baby.
1 I got one named Knuckles right before this was published.
2 There is a way to turn off the humping animations in the settings menu. Turn them off on your handhelds to avoid making the same mistakes I did!
SAN MATEO, Calif. — After hearing that Nintendo Switch lifetime sales figures had finally breached 155 million units, executives at Sony were anxiously trying to decide whether or not to hit the big red button that unveils a bunch of previously unreported PlayStation 2 sales again.
“Anytime the competition gets close, I press this button, and somehow a janitor finds a bunch of old receipts in our warehouse,” explained Hideaki Nishino, CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment. “Suddenly, it looks like we might have sold another five million PS2s and just not said anything to anyone. But it could always be more, depending. I would still like to congratulate the Nintendo Switch on being the best selling Nintendo console of all time, and let’s leave it at that, shall we?”
Many gamers were bewildered by the new developments.
“Are people just buying PS2s instead of PS5s or something?” read a response on Bluesky. “You have to wonder where this is all coming from. I mean, nobody could have predicted this. The GameCube lost in sales to the PS2 big time, but like, that’s over and done with. Why are they still trying to compete? The console wars are over, man.”
Nintendo responded in kind with additional information.
“Well, well, well, would you look at that,” said Nintendo President Shuntaro Furukawa. “I think we forgot to carry the one here, and… yeah, my math was totally off. We actually sold, like, ten million more units than I thought. My B. So yeah, make sure you write that down. 165 million units. Way more than the PlayStation 2. And if I hear anything otherwise I may have to check my math again.”
At press time, Sony unveiled plans to just release the PlayStation 2 again in lieu of new hardware.
LOS ANGELES — Fresh off of breakout appearances in hit games Dead by Daylight, and Fortnite, Ghostface has landed a role in the upcoming Scream 7, sources confirmed.
“Good for him branching out into other media,” said horror fan Shawn Greene. “I always wanted to know more about him after he showed up in a few of my favorite games. I wonder if he will be playing a good guy or a bad guy? Maybe he’s the new lead, since they fired Melissa Barrera for vocally opposing the genocide in Gaza. Ghostface better not use that silly voice of his to speak up for Palestinians. They’ll can his ass.”
Many fans of Ghostface’s various video game appearances were skeptical that he had the acting chops to transition to film.
“Crossing over into movies isn’t for everybody,” said skeptical gamer Lizzy Ward. “Mario and Sonic did okay, but those were animated films where they were merely voicing characters. Ghostface is going to have to actually act. I’m surprised they didn’t want to cast a more well established presence, but oh well. Oh, and I think Lara Croft is going to be great as Gail Weathers’ newest on-air competitor. Or was that a Fortnite thing I read about?”
Regardless of some fans’ skepticism, the film’s director assured fans that the franchise was in good hands.
“People have been saying this movie is doomed, and I can’t wait to prove them wrong,” said director Kevin Williamson. “Sure, the lead from our last installment got fired because of her support of Palestine way back in 2023. Sure, no horror franchise has ever stayed good for seven movies. And sure, the casting of Ghostface is a little stunt-y. But uh, you know. Just please go see it. We gotta pay for this damn Skeet Ulrich hologram that cost more than Skeet Ulrich would have.”
As of press time, when asked for a comment about the role in Scream 7, Ghostface just kept asking us about our favorite horror films.
Designing a hero in a game is a complex art task. Not only do you have to properly conceptualize the character, but also that character’s role in the game, how it matches the tone of the narrative, and how their design interacts mechanically with other characters. If you would like a masterclass in how to do this, simply look at Rem, the newest character in Deadlock, who is a sweepy widdle buddy who takes naps.
While Deadlock is technically still in early access, it has been humbly updating since Valve had to acknowledge its existence. It is no longer the ugly duckling that is a bit difficult to place in the canon of Valve’s releases, but a gorgeously designed and fully realized Valve game whose influences from DOTA 2 to TF2 could not be more apparent. Last Thursday, Valve introduced the Old Gods, New Blood update. It is one of the biggest updates to the game yet, one with huge quality of life and lore additions including a much less demanding 4v4 Street Brawl mode that is quick and great at easing new players into the game.
As with some previous updates, Valve is introducing several new heroes on a rolling schedule, and players can vote on which one is next. One of those characters stood out and, to nobody’s surprise, was the first to be rolled out. That character is Rem, a little owl/bat/fuzzy looking buddy who wears pajamas and a nightcap and holds a little candle out. His power is that he takes naps and throws his pillow.
Look at his little hideaway.
“An accidental stowaway from the world of dreams, Rem has found himself stranded in the city that never sleeps,” the update reads. “Pillow fights are Rem's preferred form of conflict, tossing his favorite pillow at enemies to knock them back when they're getting too close. His friends, however, he likes to keep nearby - leaping to their aid when things get dicey and taking a quick nap on their shoulder. His Lil Helpers are curious creatures, taking interest in everything the streets of New York have to offer, and cheering on his allies as they go. Ultimately when Naptime hits, no one will be able to keep their eyes open. - The best part of being asleep, is being asleep.”
Valve absolutely killed it with this guy. Something that many games get wrong, from the last two Final Fantasy games to the recent release Highguard, is that you almost always need a playable character who is a weird little guy or a robot or something. Deadlock has several of these, including a reanimated Latina gargoyle named Ivy who wants to protect Spanish Harlem, but Rem really takes the cake conceptually and in execution. His combat barks are mainly nap-based, like a six-year-old who had played too much and tuckered himself out.
Rem isn't the strongest in combat but Pillow Toss can be used to wipe out waves of troopers, and lowers the cooldown of other abilities when it hits.
Rem’s primary weapon in combat is the little candle he holds, which zaps with a fairly decent range. Rem is one of a few characters small enough to fit into various crawl spaces in the map, allowing him to snag goodies in the tunnels. In combat, he serves a support role, with his pillow skill providing regular area damage that helps wipe out troopers in the lane. Rem’s ability Tag Along warps him to a nearby friendly character, healing both himself and the character he’s attached to while he takes a little nap. This serves as both healing and a movement ability, allowing Rem to escape or close distance to an ongoing fight. Rem can also use Tag Along to warp between characters, which refreshes the duration of the skill once per hero. His Lil Helpers, which look and act like the Susuwatari from Spirited Away, can be sent out to do chores like collect boxes and do Sinner’s Sacrifices, or to provide buffs to friendly units. Lastly, his Naptime ability puts enemies in an entire area to sleep, which is exceedingly powerful when a group of enemies are clustered together.
Rem's Tag Along serves as means of closing distance, escaping a confrontation, and healing. The third tier of the ability grants a buff similar to Boundless Spirit during and briefly after the nap.
I cannot stress how fun Rem is to play and build around. In the few rounds I have played with him, I’ve used builds that emphasize his pillow, making it hit like you have a brick in there. Later items like Mystic Reverb or Surge of Power can be used to power Rem's pillow up, providing a slowdown effect or a buff respectively every time he hits something with it. I’m sure that players will immediately find new and busted ways to break him.
Rem's gaze causes enemies to sleep. When they wake up, they take spirit damage in the form of a headache.
But the bigger lesson, particularly in light of Highguard’s launch, might be on how to correctly cultivate a game. Deadlock is in a good and stable place now because it slowly gestated and iterated over years, listening to the needs of its community. This is a luxury of time and budget that many games simply don’t have. That difficult, conversational work is a key component to figuring out exactly what people want, it is not something you can always assume. And one thing that people clearly want is a sleepy little furry guy in his jammies who simply wants to go night night to dreamtime.
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