At this point, it’s almost a cliche: I am playing Cyberpunk 2077 and I hate River Ward.

Everyone hates River Ward. Hating River Ward is a perennial topic on the Cyberpunk 2077 subreddit. Nathan Grayson hates River Ward. Luke Plunkett hates River Ward. This YouTuber hates River Ward. I knew it would never be easy for me to like a cop character, but given that I still enjoy procedurals like 9-1-1, I tried to go into meeting River Ward with an open mind.

But no. I hate this guy. And every time I am forced to hang out with him I get so mad about him being one of Cyberpunk’s romanceable options.

The reasons for hating River Ward are plentiful and also have been pontificated on by players ad nauseum. He’s a cop; he’s weirdly pushy with you; he is actually appealing to gay and bisexual men but he’s not into men and is kind of weird about it. My main thing is that in the mission where you’re introduced to Ward, he comes off as so virtuous, so determined to be the lone good cop in a bad system that he comes off as stupid. He learns that his detective mentor was involved in a cover up and is so offended that he goes to Internal Affairs with it, and it’s like dude, on average my character kills about thirteen people with a katana every time I leave my house. Do you know where you live?

Truly what infuriates me so much about River is that if you play as a female V in Cyberpunk 2077, you are surrounded by fuckable men, and the only one who wants anything to do with you is this gormless loser.

One of the first characters you meet in Cyberpunk is Goro Takemura, a corpo assassin for Arasaka, a corporation that serves as the big bad of the game. Goro is older, with grey hair flecked at his temples, his long hair pulled back into a loose bun. He has cyberware along the column of his neck, which you can always see because he unbuttons like the top three buttons of his crisp white shirt at all times. Both of you know that under normal circumstances, you’d be sworn enemies, but for the purposes of the game you have to work together. And you have chemistry—even a little flirtatious banter. But if you actually try to make this relationship romantic he rejects you, and it makes me want to scream.

There are a lot of characters that Cyberpunk 2077 players would rather date than River Ward. There’s sexy fanart of Takemura, or the old man sexy ripperdoc Victor Vektor, or, obviously, Johnny Silverhand, the character voiced by Keanu Reeves. This fandom truly does not exist for River Ward.

River Ward suffers from the same problem as the male romances in Hades 2. He doesn’t have any texture; he’s just into you and apparently that’s supposed to be good enough. I know that  Cyberpunk is six years old at this point, but it does become all the more frustrating because we have never been in a better era for media that celebrates the desires of people who are attracted to men. If you look around at these pieces of media you’ll find that they have conflict. 

Heated Rivalry is about a heated fucking rivalry. They don’t even like each other much when they start hooking up, but they’re attracted to each other and they want to get off, and learn along the way that they care about each other. In the world of hetero romance, you have books like Assistant to the Villain and The Irresistible Urge To Fall For Your Enemy, books that position conflict at the center of the story—in the case of The Irresistible Urge, it’s quite literally a selling point.

Cyberpunk does seem to understand the appeal of a slow burn or flirtatiousness. At a certain point in Judy’s quest, the female love interest available to female characters, she lets you crash at her place and in the morning leaves breakfast for you. All of a sudden, I had that creeping feeling of, oh my god, all that time I was hanging out with this cute girl we’ve actually been going on dates. If you stick around the apartment, Johnny Silverhand, the jester who lives in your head, will even note it to you. River’s storyline does not have any of this sweetness—just the assumption that you want to bone.

It comes off less like a fantasy for straight or bisexual women, and more like we are the object of River’s fantasy. Here comes V, a sexy merc, here to help River nab a serial killer, and isn’t it crazy that she’s into him too? The idea that V may have their own opinions about River doesn’t come up until River has already decided he’s in love with you. I’ve been that person before in real life, someone who other people project their desires upon. It’s not a fantasy of mine.

REDMOND, Wash. — A 21-gun salute to outgoing Xbox president Phil Spencer in Halo Infinite has been cancelled, as 21 players simply could not be found.

“It sucks, man. To see a titan of the industry go out like this, y’know? To have been so important to gaming as a whole for so long and then at the end of it all for it to just feel like no one cares,” lamented hopeful eulogist ZaleXman42. “I’m talking about Halo, by the way. I’m sad for Phil too, though. I’ll acquire a Bud Light tonight in his honor.”

Another of the prospective gunners opened up more about the frustrating experience of trying to gather over 20 players online on the latest Halo.

“I just sat there in the lobby waiting for something, anything to happen. We were on X, Reddit, I even went to some old forums to ask if any of the oldheads from Halo 2 wanted in. They just called me slurs. I think that’s maybe an even more fitting tribute,” explained avid Halo fanatic, 404GhillieSpark. “I decided to go play some of the single-player to cure my boredom while I waited for responses. It actually just made things worse.” 

A close personal friend of Spencer’s has said that while the tribute was a nice idea, he’s not sure it worked as intended.

“I think the fact that they couldn’t even get 21 players online has just made things worse,” Albert Lee opined on social media. “Phil loved Halo and all, but he loved Xbox as a brand more than anything. I think what would have been really nice is if they’d all bought the Xbox Mini Fridge. That thing hitting 50 sales would have been a fitting note to go out on.”

Former coworkers are said to be privately assuring Spencer that any Xbox game he’s associated with has been delayed so long that everyone will have forgotten who he even was by the time they release.

The post 21-Gun Salute to Phil Spencer in Halo Infinite Cancelled Due to Lack of Players appeared first on Palette Swap.

Secret of Mana: Reborn V2.5 is now available for download! For the first time, fans can explore two previously unreleased areas that were cut before the game's initial release. This is your...

LONDON — Arrested for accusations of sharing confidential information with Jeffrey Epstein, disgraced royal Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor invoked a little-known British law, sources confirm.

“I’m stripped of my titles, but not my rights,” said Mountbatten-Windsor, the former Duke of York, who has ties to . “Among those is the right to adjudicate legal matters through a contest of arms. Some may think this unwise, as I am an out-of-shape 66 year-old toff. However, my chances of being found innocent in court are rather slim, so this is my only option. My inability to sweat should serve me well, here—I’ll be snug as a bug under layers of impenetrable armor. Plus, I assume my two strapping soldier-boy nephews will feel obligated to join my cause.”

Despite the former prince’s optimism, sources familiar with the matter say that Mountbatten-Windsor has struggled to rally sympathetic parties to his side.

“All British knights were to join a Zoom meeting this afternoon,” said Sir Patrick Stewart. “I thought it was going to be utter madness, but it was actually quite subdued—awkwardly so, really. Andrew was red-faced, screaming at us that we were obliged to defend him. When no one answered his call, he asked if there were no true knights among us. It was rather pathetic.”

The legal mechanism by which the trial would operate is still unclear, even to Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

“My staff has been looking into it, and we can’t find any sort of precedent for a royal invoking this right,” said Starmer in a press conference outside his residence at 10 Downing Street. “Intuitively, it didn’t seem as though it would do any good. The victims of these crimes would be no more likely to see justice. But then we saw that A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms and, really, the entire Game of Thrones franchise are quite popular. Their polling—excuse me, ratings—are, frankly, off the charts. And really, when something appears broadly popular after a superficial first glance, we have no choice but to support it.”

At press time, Mountbatten-Windsor denied rumors that his lone committed defender, Sir Robert Nonce, was actually the reanimated corpse of Jimmy Savile.

The post Prince Andrew Demands Trial of Seven appeared first on Palette Swap.

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo issued what many feel is a long overdue apology today, for a print ad in the 1997 issue of GamePro that called readers “complete fuck faces,” if they didn’t purchase and play Donkey Kong Land III for the Game Boy, sources confirm. 

“That was way over the line, huh?” asked Nintendo of America President Devon Pritchard. “Look, things were very different in the video game space during the 90s. We didn’t have access to the player like we do today, so we really had to let them have it in these ads. These days there are a lot of ways to signal to a player that we don’t think much of them, but back then, you had to tell them directly to their stupid god damn faces.” 

“That’s how you sold video games back then,” she added.”I’m still not sure why.”

Despite the hostile tone of the ad, many players have fond memories of Donkey Kong Land III. 

“I couldn’t believe they pulled some of those graphics off on the Game Boy,” said Lewis Jones, who remembers the ad clearly. “I also couldn’t beleive that they said I would be a fuck face if I didn’t buy it. I was pretty impressionable as a kid, so I put that game on the top of my Christmas list. You can imagine my relief when I not only got the game, but it was actually a great game! They should’ve said something about that in the ad, that it was fun. Instead, they called me a fuck face.”

While controversial, the ad is typical of the era it was published. 

“Yes, it’s shocking to look back at it now,” said Chris Hilton, a former GamePro editor. “But that was just the temperature in games media. It’s easy to single out this DKL3 ad because of Nintendo’s apology, but let’s not forget the ads for Mega Man X4 that said your parents would divorce if you didn’t play it, and the Worms 2 ad that promised something called 9/11 ‘would happen’ if they didn’t reach sales goals. It was an unhinged time, man.”

As of press time, Nintendo sparked outrage by ending its recent Nintendo Direct presentation with the declaration that anyone who doesn’t have a Switch 2 yet sucks a fat hog.

The post Nintendo Apologizes For 1997 GamePro Ad That Called You A Complete Fuck Face If You Didn’t Play Donkey Kong Land III appeared first on Palette Swap.

Many people are aware from sites such as TCRF that the Sword of Mana ROM contains graphics that indicate a 2Player mode was under development at some point. It turns out that the mode is included...