LONDON — Arrested for accusations of sharing confidential information with Jeffrey Epstein, disgraced royal Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor invoked a little-known British law, sources confirm.

“I’m stripped of my titles, but not my rights,” said Mountbatten-Windsor, the former Duke of York, who has ties to . “Among those is the right to adjudicate legal matters through a contest of arms. Some may think this unwise, as I am an out-of-shape 66 year-old toff. However, my chances of being found innocent in court are rather slim, so this is my only option. My inability to sweat should serve me well, here—I’ll be snug as a bug under layers of impenetrable armor. Plus, I assume my two strapping soldier-boy nephews will feel obligated to join my cause.”

Despite the former prince’s optimism, sources familiar with the matter say that Mountbatten-Windsor has struggled to rally sympathetic parties to his side.

“All British knights were to join a Zoom meeting this afternoon,” said Sir Patrick Stewart. “I thought it was going to be utter madness, but it was actually quite subdued—awkwardly so, really. Andrew was red-faced, screaming at us that we were obliged to defend him. When no one answered his call, he asked if there were no true knights among us. It was rather pathetic.”

The legal mechanism by which the trial would operate is still unclear, even to Prime Minister Keir Starmer.

“My staff has been looking into it, and we can’t find any sort of precedent for a royal invoking this right,” said Starmer in a press conference outside his residence at 10 Downing Street. “Intuitively, it didn’t seem as though it would do any good. The victims of these crimes would be no more likely to see justice. But then we saw that A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms and, really, the entire Game of Thrones franchise are quite popular. Their polling—excuse me, ratings—are, frankly, off the charts. And really, when something appears broadly popular after a superficial first glance, we have no choice but to support it.”

At press time, Mountbatten-Windsor denied rumors that his lone committed defender, Sir Robert Nonce, was actually the reanimated corpse of Jimmy Savile.

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REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo issued what many feel is a long overdue apology today, for a print ad in the 1997 issue of GamePro that called readers “complete fuck faces,” if they didn’t purchase and play Donkey Kong Land III for the Game Boy, sources confirm. 

“That was way over the line, huh?” asked Nintendo of America President Devon Pritchard. “Look, things were very different in the video game space during the 90s. We didn’t have access to the player like we do today, so we really had to let them have it in these ads. These days there are a lot of ways to signal to a player that we don’t think much of them, but back then, you had to tell them directly to their stupid god damn faces.” 

“That’s how you sold video games back then,” she added.”I’m still not sure why.”

Despite the hostile tone of the ad, many players have fond memories of Donkey Kong Land III. 

“I couldn’t believe they pulled some of those graphics off on the Game Boy,” said Lewis Jones, who remembers the ad clearly. “I also couldn’t beleive that they said I would be a fuck face if I didn’t buy it. I was pretty impressionable as a kid, so I put that game on the top of my Christmas list. You can imagine my relief when I not only got the game, but it was actually a great game! They should’ve said something about that in the ad, that it was fun. Instead, they called me a fuck face.”

While controversial, the ad is typical of the era it was published. 

“Yes, it’s shocking to look back at it now,” said Chris Hilton, a former GamePro editor. “But that was just the temperature in games media. It’s easy to single out this DKL3 ad because of Nintendo’s apology, but let’s not forget the ads for Mega Man X4 that said your parents would divorce if you didn’t play it, and the Worms 2 ad that promised something called 9/11 ‘would happen’ if they didn’t reach sales goals. It was an unhinged time, man.”

As of press time, Nintendo sparked outrage by ending its recent Nintendo Direct presentation with the declaration that anyone who doesn’t have a Switch 2 yet sucks a fat hog.

The post Nintendo Apologizes For 1997 GamePro Ad That Called You A Complete Fuck Face If You Didn’t Play Donkey Kong Land III appeared first on Palette Swap.

Many people are aware from sites such as TCRF that the Sword of Mana ROM contains graphics that indicate a 2Player mode was under development at some point. It turns out that the mode is included...

PHILADELPHIA — After years of unsuccessfully treating his clinical depression, one local 28-year-old has agreed to take part in an experimental study on the cognitive reaction to Pokémon Emerald’s title screen, sources report. 

“I’ll try anything at this point, and that includes tricking my brain into thinking I’m 12 years old playing my Game Boy Advance SP in the back of grandma’s 2005 Buick LeSabre,” said Eric Mifflin, who has been battling depression, unemployment, and that flu that’s been going around. “My therapist saw a TikTok about how repressed memories can also release serotonin, so we’ve been trying to mine happy memories from my past. I’m willing to try anything at this point.”

This new form of treatment, called Nostalgia Based Anti-Depressants, takes many forms. Young people across the country have begun NBAD trials of beloved children’s movies, video games, home cooked meals and more. 

“Its a way to trigger hormones in the brain via your five senses. For example, the smell of fresh cut grass may take you back to having a catch with dad in the backyard, or the taste of AA-batteries making the brain recall those unsupervised weekends with your siblings,” says Dr. Annabeth Moyer, a neuroscientist and head of Villanova’s Memory Lab. “Everyone has a buried memory that’s joyous and packed to the brim with warm, sweet nostalgia. We just may have to relive some terrible ones to get there.”

While in its infancy, if NBADs are proven a success experts predict that a boom of children’s entertainment from the early 2000s will be re-released. The benefits of taking a once daily NBAD could kick-start a multi-billion dollar industry. 

“This is an untapped market ready to explode. It’s like a drug you don’t need to ingest,” said Villanova senior Conner McMansen after clearly excusing himself to do a bump of Shrek 2 in the bathroom. “Think of how much money these sad adult-babies would pay to just smell that chemically burnt Easy Bake Oven brownie again? This is such a good idea, we can’t tell anyone about this, does your jaw hurt too?”

At press time, the first over-the-counter NBAD of ‘Pokémon Emerald Opening Cinematic’ has been approved by the FDA and is expected to be stocked in pharmacies across the country.

The post Depressed 28-Year-Old Prescribed Daily Viewing of ‘Pokémon Emerald’ Title Screen appeared first on Palette Swap.

Akira promotional art by Noriyoshi Ohrai for B-CLub Special AKIRA Mechanics magazine (1988)

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo of America issued a press release today for the newly released Virtual Boy peripheral for the Nintendo Switch 2, advising that it’s sure to be pretty fucking neat for up to about five total minutes.

“The Virtual Boy, which was released back in 1995 and has a library of games you can count on two hands, is finally available to play through our Nintendo Switch Online service,” said Devon Pritchard, President and Chief Operating Officer of Nintendo of America. “In order to play the games, however, you’ll have to buy a peripheral that recreates the original stereoscopic 3D experience. It’s plastic and costs 100 bucks. You probably have that much lying around somewhere, right? There’s also a cardboard version that might be fun for like two or three minutes provided you don’t accidentally spill something on it.”

Fans were cautiously optimistic about getting to spend several minutes with the new hardware.

“I never got to play the Wario Land they put out on the Virtual Boy, and I’m looking forward to the unreleased games, but I think I’ll get bored with it pretty quick. Maybe even within like four minutes,” read a post on r/Nintendo. “It’s hard to justify spending that kind of money with the economy the way it is right now, although I admittedly did, and I admittedly pre-ordered both versions to compare and contrast them, but I’ll definitely be more careful with my wallet after this. I definitely won’t be buying any more $80 games, unless they have Mario, Link, Samus, Pikachu, Kirby, or Star Fox in them. God, can you imagine a new Star Fox? Take my money Nintendo!”

Product designers at Nintendo backed up the statement.

“Five minutes is plenty. You really shouldn’t even be playing it for any longer than that,” explained lead designer Tetsuya Sasaki. “The human eye shouldn’t be exposed to that many monochromatic LED pixels so close to your retina at once. One time I saw a guy put his face in there for like, three hours straight. Came outta there, didn’t even recognize his own kids anymore. Sad, really, but Miyamoto’s always been a happy-go-lucky kinda guy, so he bounced back from it eventually.”

At press time, Nintendo also announced a price increase on NSO will definitely be happening now, but assured fans that the service will be getting even more games that are fun to dip into for a few minutes or so.

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