WASHINGTON — In an effort to keep favor with centrists in America, Democratic leadership confirmed that they will be avoiding super-effective moves.

“Moves like Thunder and Hydro Pump can make a big impact, and despite how many people see their strength, we don’t want other Pokémon to feel like there isn’t a place for them in the Democratic party,” Senator Jon Ossoff said. “We would much rather keep things neutral and enforce the status quo, whether that’s using weaker moves like Thunder Shock and Bubble, or even small status impacts like Tail Whip.”

Republican Trainers, on the other hand, seem to be using more and more super-effective moves.

“It’s like these Democratic trainers aren’t trying to do anything,” said Republican Senator Joni Ernst. “While they’re using all these moves that do essentially nothing, we’re using Close Combat pretty much every turn. It keeps lowering our Defense, sure, but it hardly matters when they won’t do anything to attack. All of our Pokémon will eventually die, but we’re making sure that it will be the beginner trainers who can’t afford to pay prize money out of their pockets first.”

Meanwhile, Democrats have found that their passive strategy isn’t nearly as effective as they thought.

“I just wish they would stand for something,” swing state voter Marc Silvia said. “The Republicans are tearing things apart, and all the Democrats tell their Pokémon to do is Growl. It’s ridiculous. If you’re going to be passive on a turn, at least use Swords Dance or something.”

At press time, Democrats finally began building new teams with powerful attacks, only to use them in a battle with Zohran Mamdani.

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CINCINNATI — The excitement surrounding a long awaited purchase was instantly cooled the second a game made its way into a local man’s Steam library, sources confirmed.

“Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting to have a little extra money to justify paying for a new game,” said Rob Duper, after his highly anticipated purchase. “And now that I’ve paid off some bills, I finally grabbed some things I’ve been dying to play. I’m so excited. God, it’s kind of late, though. I don’t think I have it in me to start a new game this close to bedtime. I’ll just play Balatro for three hours.”

Despite weeks of anticipation surrounding the game’s purchase, Duper was unable to find the time to play it in the subsequent days that followed, friends confirmed. 

“He posted the trailer for that game in Discord like three different times,” said Blake Williams, a longtime friend of Duper’s. “And then interrupted everybody’s conversation to scream about finally buying it the other day. Then I asked him how it was and he just told me about stuff he’s been doing in Balatro. What’s he waiting for?”

Valve executives stated that gaming has become secondary for many modern Steam users. 

“There’s something like a thousand games coming out every week,” said Scott Lynch, COO of Steam. “Keeping track of everything that’s coming out and wishing you could play them all has become a hobby unto itself for many of today’s gamers. There’s always a new trailer or announcement or demo to get excited about; who has time to actually play games these days?” 

As of press time, Duper had been spotted online, and apparently, he’s getting back into Rocket League.

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche emerged triumphantly from a third prison meeting with sex offender Ghislane Maxwell, proudly holding a list of the 100 Greatest PlayStation Games Of All Time. 

“You wanted the list. You’ve got a list,” said Blanche, holding several pages of handwritten notes from Maxwell aloft. “We can now move on knowing that President Trump has, technically, kept his word.”

While copies of the list were not immediately made available, press photographers captured close-ups of the handwritten pages, containing phrases like, ‘cardboard box spy one,’ ‘spikey haired big sword one,’ and ‘Oddworld: Abe’s Exoddus.’  

“My client truthfully answered every question asked of her,” said Maxwell’s attorney, David Oscar Markus. “She answered to the best of her ability given that, like most sex offenders, she only had Nintendo growing up.”

Online reaction from the MAGA movement was overwhelmingly positive, with right-wing influencers like Catturd, R1ngSt1ng and Shartnado posting memes where the definition of the word “list” was held before a crying liberal, or “Soyjack.” 

Senate Democrats were, as expected, outraged. 

“The President ought to be ashamed of himself,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Not only does this list contain zero Epstein clients, it also contains SSX Tricky, which is actually a PS2 game. As usual, they’ve stretched the truth to the breaking point.”

When asked for comment, President Trump expressed interest in granting Maxwell a pardon, provided she bumped CTR: Crash Team Racing into the top 10.

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LOS ANGELES — The producers of an upcoming blockbuster movie have made a bold creative choice; they will not be putting Pedro Pascal in their film.

“Cinema is all about making big swings, right? You wanna do that thing that nobody else will to push the medium forward,” explained acclaimed director Ron Dershowitz. “To this end, we’ve decided not to cast Pedro Pascal in our movie. We actively looked at him, stared at his headshot for a few minutes, looked at each other and said ‘no. Absolutely not.’”

Dershowitz’s producing partner was adamant that they make it clear to the ascendant actor just how much they didn’t want him in their movie.

“I actually called him up to tell him. He didn’t even audition for the movie but I just wanted to make sure he knew. I was like ‘you will not be in this movie,’” said executive producer Gina Stanton. “There’s nothing wrong with him, of course. He was really nice about it actually. Kinda made me think maybe we should put him in. But then I was like ‘nah, we have Chris Pratt.’”

The decision has been met with some criticism, but fans seem mostly intrigued as to how it’ll play out.

“The first time I saw a movie in 3D, frankly it underwhelmed. The first time I saw a movie in 4K, it underwhelmed. Will my first ever movie without Pedro Pascal disappoint in the same way?” posited Ben Gorman in a blog post on RogerEbert.com. “We’ll have to wait and see, but either way, I am excited to see what a movie making one of the boldest creative decisions we’ve seen in years looks like.

Production of the movie seems to be troubled as of press time, as despite the director’s wishes, Pascal is rumored to have materialized on set amidst a flash of white light as soon as cameras began rolling.

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SPEAR PILLAR — God and creator of the Pokémon universe Arceus has addressed the creation of fellow Pokémon Crabominable, and how it never should have happened. 

“If you know what’s good for you, do not level up Crabrawler on Mount Lanakila,” explained Arceus. “May as well consider Crawbrawler allergic to Ice Stones too based on the reaction they cause. The night I made it, I’ll admit, I was not in my right mind. I was hanging out with some mythical buddies and, after one too many, Hoopa got a little wild and came unbound. Ever see that thing? Disgusting. Hilarious. I was like, ‘I bet I could make something even uglier than that!’ It was supposed to be a bit and I would undo it in the morning. In my state of hangover, though, I accidentally sent it through into being. Sorry about that.” 

The fear of evolution is a constant source of tension in the Crabrawler community. 

“I’ve seen what happens when we evolve,” an anonymous Crabrawler explained. “When we go through ‘the change.’ It happened to my buddy Crabenson. He got lost and ended up on some mountain. When he came back to the village, he was straight-up hideous. He now had feet on his hands. He grew patchy white hair all over himself, and, not to mention: tits. Why tits? He’s a freak now, can’t even string together a sentence, and so weak too. I don’t want any part of it.” 

According to a Pokédex entry, Crabominables do serve some utility in the form of a tasty meal. 

“I accidentally evolved my beloved Crabrawler several years ago on an expedition. I didn’t even know it could evolve,” confessed Professor Kukui, a well-known academic in the region. “You would think that someone like me would be happy about a breakthrough discovery, but that was far from the case—I was heartbroken, and disgusted. One of my research fellows full-on threw up. I couldn’t look at it anymore. The Pokémon I mean, not the puke. So I had to get rid of it, which led to my next breakthrough: turns out their boiled pincers are delactable. Slowpoke tail kinda deliciousness. It’s actually become sort of a delicacy in these parts. I hunt them now.”

At press time, Arceus has taken a vow of sobriety to prevent future crimes against nature and claims to be coming up on their 500 millionth year of sobriety next month.

The post Arceus Admits Making Crabominable Was a Mistake appeared first on Palette Swap.

TOKYO — Nintendo and Universal Pictures thrilled fans Wednesday morning by announcing the casting of Benjamin Evan Ainsworth in the live-action The Legend of Zelda movie in the role of “DIPSHIT.”

“When I created The Legend of Zelda, one of the goals was to allow players to step into the shoes of the hero and allow them to name the main character,” said Zelda creator and Executive Producer Shigeru Miyamoto. “I was thrilled to see Derek Connolly-san and T.S. Nowlin-san’s script had re-named Link as DIPSHIT, showing just how personal this film will be.”

A relative newcomer, Ainsworth is known for roles in Netflix’s The Haunting of Bly Manor and as the voice of the title character in Disney’s Pinocchio remake before taking on the hotly contested role of DIPSHIT.

“When I got the call that I was going to be in the Zelda movie, I was over the moon,” said Ainsworth on a break from a four-week intensive forward-roll training camp. “I was kinda hoping my character name was Link like it is in Smash Bros and stuff. Already people on the street are pointing at me and yelling stuff like ‘Hey, dipshit!’ and ‘Nice going, dispshit.’ 

Director Wes Ball expressed excitement about the film reaching this major milestone on its way to a May 2027 release.

“Hahahahahaha. Did you see this shit? The fucker’s name is DIPSHIT. I’ve got a part in the movie where that fucking owl is like, ‘did you get all that, DIPSHIT?’ Oh my god, this is fucking hilarious, man.”

At press time, Nintendo announced there will be an exclusive recut of the film when it eventually releases Blu-Ray where Ainsworth’s character is named “Zelda.”

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