REDMOND, Wash. — The United States Patent and Trademark Office recently granted Nintendo and The Pokémon Company a patent that states any game running at 12 frames per second is a direct infringement of their copyright.

“This is absurd,” read a post from Agumon89 on X, formerly Twitter. “Most of the games still running on Switch 1 are going to receive legal penalties because of this—even games that Nintendo themselves have made! I mean, have you gone back and tried to play Echoes of Wisdom on base hardware lately? Eiji Aonuma better lawyer up while he can.”

Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, clarified the decision.

“It’s important that we maintain a strong sense of brand identity,” explained Bowser. “Choppy frame rates, inconsistent loading times, and a general sense of being slapped together at the last minute are what diehard fans of Pokémon have come to expect from the franchise in recent years. If we have someone waltzing in on our territory, doing what we do best, it might start to make these games look better by comparison. And that’s just going to confuse a whole lot of people.”

Pocketpair, the developers of Pokémon competitor Palworld, shared their thoughts on the news.

“Well at least I think we’re in the clear now,” said Takuro Mizobe, founder of Pocketpair. “We were able to release the game in a state that’s relatively finished, and it’s able to sustainably hit 60 frames per second, thank god. Now, if Nintendo receives a patent on the use of copy-pasting generative AI models, then we may really be in a pickle.”

At press time, Nintendo filed another controversial patent covering “electronic games in which players manipulate images on a video screen.”

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ICIRRUS CITY — Following intense controversy surrounding the American Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, also known as ICE, a Pokémon trainer who has spent the majority of his life solely focusing on Ice-type Pokémon is looking for a quick way to rebrand.

“I’m probably just going to release all of my Pokémon and start over fresh,” said Brycen, Gym Leader of Icirrus City. “I think I might do… Grass. What do you think? Do I seem like a Grass-type guy? I’m also considering Steel. Or maybe Psychic—you know, to really switch things up, and hopefully get people to stop doxxing me and spray painting my gym.”

One trainer, who has spent the last several days protecting the building without being asked, spoke up in defense of Brycen.

“It’s all about MUGA—Make Unova Great Again,” explained Backpacker Billy. “We have too many trainers—often ten-year-old boys setting off on their first Pokémon adventure—coming to this country, probably illegally, and taking opportunities away from the hard-working ten-year-old boys who were born and raised here.”

Tensions were mounting in Icirrus City with protests planned for this coming weekend.

“At this point we’re well aware that Brycen is an Ice-type Gym Leader and not an actual member of ICE, but it’s just a little too close for comfort,” explained Swimmer Steve. “And really, it’s all about sending a message to anyone who does think this might be okay. If the Unova government plans on deploying ICE agents to our city, we’re hoping that by ruining Brycen’s life and public image, it will send a clear message to them to keep out and stay out.”

At press time, ice cream Pokémon Vanillite reportedly became a mascot for the far-right and an unknowing fascist icon overnight.

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WASHINGTON — In an effort to keep favor with centrists in America, Democratic leadership confirmed that they will be avoiding super-effective moves.

“Moves like Thunder and Hydro Pump can make a big impact, and despite how many people see their strength, we don’t want other Pokémon to feel like there isn’t a place for them in the Democratic party,” Senator Jon Ossoff said. “We would much rather keep things neutral and enforce the status quo, whether that’s using weaker moves like Thunder Shock and Bubble, or even small status impacts like Tail Whip.”

Republican Trainers, on the other hand, seem to be using more and more super-effective moves.

“It’s like these Democratic trainers aren’t trying to do anything,” said Republican Senator Joni Ernst. “While they’re using all these moves that do essentially nothing, we’re using Close Combat pretty much every turn. It keeps lowering our Defense, sure, but it hardly matters when they won’t do anything to attack. All of our Pokémon will eventually die, but we’re making sure that it will be the beginner trainers who can’t afford to pay prize money out of their pockets first.”

Meanwhile, Democrats have found that their passive strategy isn’t nearly as effective as they thought.

“I just wish they would stand for something,” swing state voter Marc Silvia said. “The Republicans are tearing things apart, and all the Democrats tell their Pokémon to do is Growl. It’s ridiculous. If you’re going to be passive on a turn, at least use Swords Dance or something.”

At press time, Democrats finally began building new teams with powerful attacks, only to use them in a battle with Zohran Mamdani.

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CINCINNATI — The excitement surrounding a long awaited purchase was instantly cooled the second a game made its way into a local man’s Steam library, sources confirmed.

“Hell yeah, I’ve been waiting to have a little extra money to justify paying for a new game,” said Rob Duper, after his highly anticipated purchase. “And now that I’ve paid off some bills, I finally grabbed some things I’ve been dying to play. I’m so excited. God, it’s kind of late, though. I don’t think I have it in me to start a new game this close to bedtime. I’ll just play Balatro for three hours.”

Despite weeks of anticipation surrounding the game’s purchase, Duper was unable to find the time to play it in the subsequent days that followed, friends confirmed. 

“He posted the trailer for that game in Discord like three different times,” said Blake Williams, a longtime friend of Duper’s. “And then interrupted everybody’s conversation to scream about finally buying it the other day. Then I asked him how it was and he just told me about stuff he’s been doing in Balatro. What’s he waiting for?”

Valve executives stated that gaming has become secondary for many modern Steam users. 

“There’s something like a thousand games coming out every week,” said Scott Lynch, COO of Steam. “Keeping track of everything that’s coming out and wishing you could play them all has become a hobby unto itself for many of today’s gamers. There’s always a new trailer or announcement or demo to get excited about; who has time to actually play games these days?” 

As of press time, Duper had been spotted online, and apparently, he’s getting back into Rocket League.

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche emerged triumphantly from a third prison meeting with sex offender Ghislane Maxwell, proudly holding a list of the 100 Greatest PlayStation Games Of All Time. 

“You wanted the list. You’ve got a list,” said Blanche, holding several pages of handwritten notes from Maxwell aloft. “We can now move on knowing that President Trump has, technically, kept his word.”

While copies of the list were not immediately made available, press photographers captured close-ups of the handwritten pages, containing phrases like, ‘cardboard box spy one,’ ‘spikey haired big sword one,’ and ‘Oddworld: Abe’s Exoddus.’  

“My client truthfully answered every question asked of her,” said Maxwell’s attorney, David Oscar Markus. “She answered to the best of her ability given that, like most sex offenders, she only had Nintendo growing up.”

Online reaction from the MAGA movement was overwhelmingly positive, with right-wing influencers like Catturd, R1ngSt1ng and Shartnado posting memes where the definition of the word “list” was held before a crying liberal, or “Soyjack.” 

Senate Democrats were, as expected, outraged. 

“The President ought to be ashamed of himself,” said Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. “Not only does this list contain zero Epstein clients, it also contains SSX Tricky, which is actually a PS2 game. As usual, they’ve stretched the truth to the breaking point.”

When asked for comment, President Trump expressed interest in granting Maxwell a pardon, provided she bumped CTR: Crash Team Racing into the top 10.

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LOS ANGELES — The producers of an upcoming blockbuster movie have made a bold creative choice; they will not be putting Pedro Pascal in their film.

“Cinema is all about making big swings, right? You wanna do that thing that nobody else will to push the medium forward,” explained acclaimed director Ron Dershowitz. “To this end, we’ve decided not to cast Pedro Pascal in our movie. We actively looked at him, stared at his headshot for a few minutes, looked at each other and said ‘no. Absolutely not.’”

Dershowitz’s producing partner was adamant that they make it clear to the ascendant actor just how much they didn’t want him in their movie.

“I actually called him up to tell him. He didn’t even audition for the movie but I just wanted to make sure he knew. I was like ‘you will not be in this movie,’” said executive producer Gina Stanton. “There’s nothing wrong with him, of course. He was really nice about it actually. Kinda made me think maybe we should put him in. But then I was like ‘nah, we have Chris Pratt.’”

The decision has been met with some criticism, but fans seem mostly intrigued as to how it’ll play out.

“The first time I saw a movie in 3D, frankly it underwhelmed. The first time I saw a movie in 4K, it underwhelmed. Will my first ever movie without Pedro Pascal disappoint in the same way?” posited Ben Gorman in a blog post on RogerEbert.com. “We’ll have to wait and see, but either way, I am excited to see what a movie making one of the boldest creative decisions we’ve seen in years looks like.

Production of the movie seems to be troubled as of press time, as despite the director’s wishes, Pascal is rumored to have materialized on set amidst a flash of white light as soon as cameras began rolling.

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